Somewhere between everything…I forgot what it meant to cry…… I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn’t make you happy………. And that pretending to be smart doesn’t make you smart……. I forgot that you can’t just forget the past in fear of the future…… I forgot that you can’t control falling in love……. And that you can’t make yourself fall in love.
I learned that I can love…. I learned that it’s okay to mess up… And it’s okay to ask for help….
And it’s okay to feel miserable, every once in awhile.
Because you’re true friends are always there for you.
It just made me think of the past, where I used to be, and where I am now. Right now, I'm pretty happy, in fact I this is the happiest I have been in at least the past year and a half. 2010 was a bad year, I got sick a lot, had some work problems, got hurt at work, and some other things. But through it all little good things happened to. While I was hurt I reconnected with an old friend from college. We grew closer and are now dating. That makes me very happy. He's a great guy and I'm lucky that he's willing to put up with my brand of crazy. It's still pretty new but I'm hopeful at this point. I guess what I was working towards was that, even though bad things happened last year, good things came of it. If the bad things hadn't of happened then I wouldn't be where I am now. Ever since I made the decision to live life with no regrets I've been happier. It's a hard goal to live up to and I do screw up and regret things. But then I think of what I have learned from them and how those lessons have helped shape who I am, or have helped me grow as a person. I like who I am. I like to think that I'm the fun kind of crazy.I'm also learning to like how I look. There is only so much one can do to change what they look like. I'm learning that I don't have to be model thin in order to be pretty, that there really is nothing wrong with how I look. I got to have my warped body image thrown in my face a couple of weeks ago. I got really sick in November with a respiratory infection, lost 7 pounds in 8 days. Started to get over it and then started going to the gym to put the weight back on, but in a healthy way. (I started working nights at this time and really have a problem eating when I work nights, I just don't eat a whole lot and lose weight.) So about 2 weeks ago I braved the scale at the gym, thinking proudly to myself that I was sure I had put back on at least 4 pounds, I was sure I could see the results. Only to find out that I had lost 7 more pounds. Really? When I was looking in the mirror what was I seeing? Because apparently it wasn't the truth! It just really showed me that I think so little of how I look. I was seeing myself getting bigger when I was getting smaller. So that was a nice fun shock, so now I'm working on having a better body image. It's harder than it sounds. You would think that it would be easy to think of yourself as beautiful on the outside if you liked who you are on the inside but it's not. So that is my main goal for 2011. To have a better body image. To put back on some weight and be happy with how I look. Girls are suppose to have curves for goodness sake! I dislike looking like a stick with no curves.
So that is what is new with me. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time (and will get even happier when I can move back to MN in July), I have a wonderful boyfriend that makes me feel special, and I'm working on having a better and more realistic body image.
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