Moving

So I moved back home from KS back into my parents house. I couldn't take only working home health part time so I started applying all over the east coast area looking for a job in a hospital ICU. I applied for at least 50 positions. Thankfully I started getting some calls and then Greenville, NC flew me out for an interview. I loved it there and am now going to be starting a a Neuro IU (step down ICU) on July 6th. So now that you are all caught up here is the point of this blog: I have no idea where to start with the packing or the dealing with emotions caused by moving halfway across the country.
For packing it's all about finding out what I have, where it was put and then what is mine, my parents, or my brothers. Then I have to figure out what I want to take with me, how much I can continue to leave here, and how to pack up everything that I want to take with me. I'm taking all of my books, movies, and knitting things. I'm going to be moving for like 3-5 years. That is a long time so I can't just leave most of my stuff at my parents like I was doing when I was traveling. It's just crazy the amount of stuff I have without actually having any real furniture. I have a table, 4 chairs, a bookshelf, and a coffee table. So I also have to start figuring out what kind of furniture I want to buy once I get down there. I'm not sure what my tastes are. Guess I'll find out... But for now I'm working at the packing by going through the things that I find and figuring out A. what I down, B. what I need, and C. what I need to get rid of.
As for the emotions. I'm a cross between scared shitless, super excited, and way sad. I want to do this but I know it is going to be for at least 2 years, if not more. I'm planing on 3-5 and that does not include if I happen to find the love of my life down there. I'm kinda hoping I do find him soon. This always being the 3rd wheel and the only single one is getting really old. I think that is part of the reason I'm not entirely happy in MN. No one I know wants to change their routine and come out with me while I try and meet new people but at the same time they don't want to give up their time with me. So I feel torn between spending time with my friends and actively going out into the world to try and meet new people. It's a very hard thing. And also when I do try new things I sometimes judging looks and remarks from my friends. Like I shouldn't want more then I already have. Most think that just because I have a good career that I love I shouldn't be so determined to find more. I turn 25 tomorrow and I don't have nearly enough checked off on my life to do list. I'm not dating, let alone married, no children, my career is taking a major turn that I had in no way expected or planed for, I'm not back in grad school yet, I don't have a house. I feel very behind in what I wanted from life so I think the move is a way for me to try and kick start it. I will have to get out there and start hanging out with new people (hopefully finding some nice, single people who understand what I'm going through), applying for grad school. The only thing that I can't see myself doing is buying a house because at this point I'm not sure I want this move to be permanent. I want to make NC my home for a few years but I'm not sure I'm ready to say that I'm probably not coming back. I hope to finish my masters and then move back to MN to practice as an NP. But who knows. I just know that at this point I'm really not ready to face the reality that this could be the start down a road away from home that doesn't loop back around to end there. I'm really not sure where this road is going to lead me. I'm a plan person. I like to have a plan for everything and this is not in the plan. I've been modifying the plan to include this but it also adds turn and twists the road and I can't see beyond them. I've even put some thought into just going down there, still going to grad school, but other than that not having a plan. Leaving my need to plan out my life weeks to months in advance up here. See where I go when I'm carefree. Spend a little time on my version of the wild side. (Which to most will seem like normal living). I was never very wild in college. Still thinking everything out and how it would affect my future and I think I need to let that go for at least a couple of months. Let the future take care of itself and spend some time in the present. I may not meet Mr. Right down there but I'm hoping to meet Mr. Right Now. Just someone to at least spend some time with. I've had the song Wild at Heart by Gloriana stuck in my head with the need to listen to it over and over. It just makes me believe that although I am no longer young I can still "free fall for a while". To quote my favorite part of the song "He kissed her, she said mister take an inch and I'll give you a mile. I ain't here to do anything half way, don't give a damn what anyone might say, I just want to free fall for a while"
Anyway that is what has been going around in circles in my head for a while now (about two weeks. My life was turned on it's ear in about 48 hours) and I needed to get it out. I'm scared because for once I don't have the future set in stone, the plan crumbled around me and I managed to pick it back up and kinda put the pieces together again but they don't quite fit like they used to and some don't fit at all. I think this is just life's way of teaching me that I can't control everything and sometimes I need to learn to go with the flow. God has a plan for me and He is pushing me down that path now. I just need to free fall for a while and go with the flow. I just have to believe that it will all work out in the end.

Theme Songs

So on my last 11 hour drive home I started listening to all the country songs on my ipod. Well, that is almost 48 hours of music. And while I was listening to this I started thinking how different songs really help me describe me. So I put together a play list of songs that I think really describe a lot of who I am and how I feel and try and live my life. None of them fit perfect but at the same time they help me find my way down my own path of self discovery. Some are sad for the down days, some are happy for the up days, and some of them are sentimental. Beware that I seem to have eclectic music taste, some of the songs I find in movies, but most are from the radio. Also they are predominately country. So here are some of the songs that I've been really identifying with lately (in no real particular order): It Happens by Sugarland; The More Boys I Meet by Carrie Underwood; Take It Like A Man by Shelly Wright; Hold On by B*Witched; Stand by Rascal Flatts; Flirt by The Pussycat Dolls; She'd Give Anything by Boy Howdy; You Had A Bad Day by Daniel Powter; Somedays You Gotta Dance by the Dixie Chicks; Broken by Lindsey Haun; Bitch by Meredith Brooks; I Wanna Be Loved Like That by Shenandoah.
Mostly this random introspection comes from the fact that my travel assignment will be ending soon and I don't have what I consider a real job lined up for after. I will hopefully be getting enough home health hours as a nurse to get health insurance but that is a long way away from where I want to be in an ICU. So I've been having some life issues and identity issues because I tend to define myself as a hospital nurse first. Today I was having a bad day and went out and bought some dove chocolate. And as is mostly common knowledge there are little sayings on the wrappers and the first three that I got tonight just spoke to me and will probably be finding there way into my thoughts and musing. They are as follows (beware the corny factor here): "Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get", "Make whatever you do count", and "It's okay to live without a "big picture" in mind".
So as I adapt to my current situation and learn to live with life not going according to my master plan I keep these songs and sayings in mind. I know it's nothing real earth shattering but at this time it is fracturing my world.

Jobs

So my travel assignment ends soon and I'm at loose ends. I have no new assignment to go to and I have no permanent job to come back to. I'm applying for jobs all in the Twin Cities and Rochester. Problem is, with all the hospitals on hiring freezes that equals about 5. I'm toying with the idea of grad school applications. But that would involve finding a grad school that has a DNP program. So I can go straight from my BS to DNP (Doctorate of Nurse Practitioner). So it would be a lot of internet research mixed with lots of hoping and praying that I can find a place that is still accepting applications. And to top it off I have no idea where to start looking. This not having a definite plan thing is driving me crazy. For a girl that likes to know how things are going to be 2-3months to years down the road this is like torture. Well, all I can say is wish me luck. I'm hoping for a job in the Twin Cities and then grad school next year.

Boy Rant

I'm so frustrated. I can't seem to figure out what is wrong with me. Is there no single straight guy out there that just wants to be my friend? Someone who I can be myself around that I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm flirting with him and giving him the wrong impression or leading him on? I thought I had that with a fellow traveler and I found out last night that he wants to ask me out but doesn't date while he's on travel assignments. I cannot remember the last guy who I was just friends with and didn't want to date me at some point that I didn't meet already after he was married or in a committed long term relationship. It's the most frustrating thing. I feel like I'm stuck in "When Harry met Sally" where they are arguing about how men and women cannot just be friends. Is this true? I'm beginning to loose hope. I just don't get it. I'm just like every other girl out there. There is nothing that special about me that should be causing me this problem. I'm not that pretty, I'm not that interesting, I'm just one of millions of the same kind of girl.

And then I also have the opposite problem. No guy actually asks me out. I have the single guy friends that want to date me but don't actually have the balls to ask me out. (And I don't date guys that lack balls. If you can't stand up to me get the hell out of my way). Case in point, I just had a guy send me $100 worth of roses and candy as my secret admirer at work. Really sweet and cute, right? Texts me and asks me if I liked the flowers, I say yes and then nothing. Then fucking 4 hours later he asks what I'm doing, I say watching a movie and getting sleepy and ask what he is doing and get nothing. I don't understand this. Who sends someone flowers and then still doesn't have the guts to ask them out on a date? I just don't understand men. They make no sense.

And don't get me wrong, I can understand how I could intimidate some poor guy. I'm super motivated. I'm going to have my Doctorate of Nurse Practitioner by the time I'm 35 (30 if I get my way), I'm head strong, stubborn, and tend not to care what anyone thinks of me. I'm not that confident but can fake it like no body's business if I feel like it. If I know what I want I go and get it. I make a decent amount of money for someone of my age and carry a lot of emotional baggage that I'm working through. But I mean, come on. I should be able to have a single, straight, guy friend without having to worrying about if I'm giving him the wrong impression and how I might be messing with his feelings. And there should be a motivated guy out there with the balls to ask me out. Maybe I just need to stick to making friends with gay men. That way I won't find out halfway into the friendship that the guy is just trying to find a way to ask me out or would under different circumstances.

I hate this shit, and it pisses me off to no end. And so in ends the rant.

Fingerless Gloves

So I'm making my first pair of fingerless gloves. They are purple and really cute, and I've been thinking to myself "what am I going to do with them?". And then it occurs to me: Driving gloves! I've lived most of my life in Minnesota and steering wheels get cold. And sometimes I don't really want to wear my mittens that I have. So I figure that I can keep my fingerless gloves in the car and then use them as driving gloves. :)

I'm really not sure why I'm making fingerless gloves other then the fact that I'm scared to try my first sweater and am looking for projects to help build confidence in my knitting. So I thought: mittens, but then didn't have the yarn I would need, and I had this yarn that I needed to use because I've had it for almost a year now. So I used this nice light weight purple yarn to make fingerless gloves. Plus one of my friends made the comment that the coolest thing one of her friends knit was a pair of fingerless gloves. So that also made me want to try it. Then after the first glove was done I realized that I'm not punk enough to pull the gloves off in everyday wear. So I had to find some use for them. And so the idea of driving gloves was born.

On a more random note (that most of my friends will find surprising): I really like Rob Zombie's song "Living Dead Girl" and some of NIN music.