Sigh

I know things are getting bad when I resort to blogging. I think I'm the only person who actually doesn't want anyone to read it. People have a hard time reconciling the person I act like and the truly depressed, and lonely person I am. It's just easier to act as if everything is fine and nothing bothers me (besides small little things, people get suspicious if nothing ever goes wrong). Then you don't have to deal with the questions and the pitying looks. "Oh you have depression and at times suicidal idealizations?" does not lend people into trusting you or treating you like a normal member of society. Plus I don't want to answer the questions or receive the looks. I might not be doing wonderful but I'm doing ok. Yeah, I cry more often then I did when I live in MN, and I don't have any real close friends down here, and yeah, no one really knows who I am. One group of my friends commented to me that it's almost like I live two separate lives. Only they are wrong, I live three. The lonely person who can spend whole days without talking to anyone or leaving the apartment, the church going person, and the party person (the last two are almost always up beat). And sadly, I like it this way. I have my friends back home who know less and less about me and who I miss terribly but who don't seem to miss me. I have three friends that call me, even my own cousin (who I have been friends with since I was born) doesn't even take the time to call me and see how life is going. I'm not sure if it is because they feel as if I'm not a part of their lives anymore or if they are scared to find out I'm not doing well and are powerless to change things or help me. I don't know and I'll probably never ask. Right now the goal in life is to get through this next 1.5 years and move back home to MN where I can be miserable around people I love. Always the single one who everyone thought would fall in love and get married but always seems to stay single. (don't get me started on that one, I'm just not lucky in love). Any ways, I just needed a place to say, no scream I AM NOT DOING WELL AND I'M AFRAID THE BLACK WHOLE OF DEPRESSION WILL SOON SWALLOW ME WHOLE. Ok, I feel a little better. Time to actually eat something so I don't get caught being depressed by losing weight again.